Sunday, January 18, 2015

He walks before us.

I too lost my home, my family 14 months ago, November 2013, and it was as if Pope Francis was speaking directly to my heart. And it consoles me, the thought that Jesus is walking before me, though where we are headed, only He knows.

Friday, December 26, 2014

As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed in an attempt to tread water -- to keep myself afloat until the weight of grief stops its latest attempt to drown me -- I saw that one of my co-workers had posted a photo of her father. In the caption, she wrote: "Merry Christmas Pa. I miss you."

And I remembered. I shouldn't have forgotten, really, but grief has a way of blurring everything else. I remembered that there are still people who love me -- who have loved me totally, unconditionally, without fail. And I remembered that every moment with them is precious and must not be wasted.

Perhaps, as Van Gogh said in his deathbed, the sadness will never go away. And perhaps there will be no end to the hauntings, and the cloud will go away only to come back at a later time to hear me say, "Hello, darkness, my old friend." And perhaps this will be my life.

But for the rest of today, and for as much as I can and for as long as I am made to remember, I will treasure the people who have never left.

Ma, Pa, Lan, Merry Christmas. I love you.
It was as if the world caught sight of my rose-colored glasses and decided it needed to slap mud onto the lenses. And I, being not-quite-George-Smiley, hadn't a tie with which to clean them.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

A + L

Perhaps grief is just a smile viewed from the wrong perspective.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

"The time is long gone when I could frighten you with a burning wardrobe and force you to make repayment for your crimes. But I wish I could, Tom…. I wish I could…."
- Dumbledore

Monday, December 15, 2014


Sometimes it is so, so hard to be the bigger person.
Sometimes, many times, very often, I fail.
But in the end it is the only way.
Love is the only way to defeat hate.

#illridewithyou << see story here

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Begin Again

I promised you I would never leave you. And I will keep that promise no matter what. But here's an idea: what if we run away together? If only we could! Let's bring Mamu and Papu and Auntie Lan. Let's begin again in a place where no one knows us. Let's live in a place with fountains and trains and planes and cranes. No demons or ghosts. A clean slate. A new road. What do you think, Bads?

The cold never bothered me anyway.

Conceal. Don't feel.

Let it go.